The sweetest thing I heard today was when Pops said, “I am happy that you’re happy.”, randomly, at suppertime.
He looked me straight in the eye and smiled.
“Thank you, Papa.” Then, I was dazed to discover how my father could fathom the real feeling I have inside.
That soul taught me…to solve my own Math problem by using a scientific calculator or Google, as the case may be.
Debates happen every single day.
Tonight, though, there were no debates. My thoughts agreed, profusely, with my eagerness to write. Finally.
Minutes ago, I had been to a familiar world of papers turning reality into a cornucopia of bliss and magic. As a matter of fact, and for a single split of second, I decided this place should be real. The fiction slapped me, slowly, but powerfully…indeed, that’s the point of fiction. It makes you fall in love until cold water, gently, pours down on you saying, “It’s time to wake up, dreamer. This is a work of fiction.” In short, I came back to reading the old, overused romance novels I had in high school.
The idea of spending few minutes to read them in between my breaks from the “bloody review” doesn’t matter to me, anymore. Numbness is not the word. Passion, in the middle of the war zone area, is what I aim for.
I guess, every human soul yearns for love. Not admiration. The human soul thirsts for the deep, blue water, instead of a make-believe pool of affirmation.
So the thought of another human soul knocking on my door made me lose my balance. I guarded myself too well that I didn’t notice I was caught off guard. That soul taught me: to laugh amidst few broken lines from a song, to keep my ears open for words I wouldn’t expect to hear, to simplify things for better understanding, to ask questions with no answer, to solve my own Math problem by using a scientific calculator or Google, as the case may be, and to hope for victory even if I have, only, 1% chance of winning.
From that moment on, I saw things from a different perspective. I was dancing through every page of my life, when I should be walking or running. It happened so fast and only when I realized this soul could do more that I lost him.
I discovered: that soul doesn’t believe in love. That soul, I believe, was hurt by love. That soul doesn’t want love, when in fact mine is beginning to fall like ashes on the ground
“Eazy-ly”, I understood things with him, but it’s harder to make him understand that love exists. It’s ironic. And painful.
Painful because that beautiful, broken soul had chosen to close himself in a cocoon from the remnants of this cruel world. It’s heartbreaking that you wanted to unleash his beauty but he just wouldn’t leave his place because he’s not, yet, ready. That soul was, surely, broken, and he needed to heal himself. Until when?
If only his soul would allow mine to heal with him. Ah!
Despite this poverty of spirit, my longing soul remains faithful that one day, maybe, that other soul will see life in a more colorful perspective. Maybe he will see it the way he made me see a deeper blue color of the ocean from afar. Or maybe he will heal and feel the same way I feel.
Fiction might have awakened the magma inside my volcano of thoughts, but I was thankful, at least, because this time I was not debating with myself. Slowly and beautifully, the molten magma flowed and created this post. Ironically and instantly, the rain poured so hard…waking me up and saying, “This is not fiction. Continue living, fighter.” What a wonderful story it has been!
If I could count the times he made me fall in love, man, I couldn’t. For the stars are too many to count. These were the times I fell in love with him, not counting the moments of my sleep and dreams. (SCD)
(Image source: Unknown, Pinterest)
I realized how stuck I was on novels when I was still single because I was longing for love that time. And I believe that’s one of the reasons why singles prefer reading romance novels to going out because they’re caught up inside their own globe of love affair. Now that love has found me, I had set them aside – novels are no longer my top priority for leisure. Yet, at this very hour, I find myself chasing for more novels. And I don’t know why I feel like I’m fifteen, sixteen or seventeen, again…that solves the dilemma, if you know what I mean. Am I going back to the old days?
by: Samantha C. De Guzman
Hello, everyone! Just to ask for your consideration, please follow my sister’s blog: http://www.deguzmanshiella.wordpress.com (or you can click her blog post title below, and follow her.) She’s new to WordPress and to blogging.
I really wanted her to be engaged in writing because she’s a Mass Communication student. And she has a lot to say more than what you can expect from her.
(P.S. It’s the very first time that I reblogged a post here on WordPress because I’d rather prefer creating original posts to reposting, but for the love of a sister, I did it. And since I want to flaunt her first ever post, there you go!)
This would be my first-ever post, I know. Honestly, I have no idea where to start and how long this blog could take. It may be months or days that this will be a not-so-active because even I, myself, do not believe that would live a long existence. Of course I can write, but not as impressive as anybody wanted and not as charming to read as I ever wished. But one thing I can assure you of in spite all of these dilemmas, all that will be established on this blog and shared with you are written with sympathy from heart and passion from mind.
“And suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”
It is excruciating how a single moment is metamorphosed in a blink of an eye. A few hours from now, wonderful thoughts lingered my disturbed mind. If it was to surround myself with eternity, I hurriedly rose up from where I took a morning nap. A norm it would be to have a hunch of goose bumps whenever I leave this sweet place…our home.
Instead of taking the usual routines in the morning, I ate my late breakfast and washed the dishes. Mom was expecting us to re-organize our closet so I did my job for her. Fold the clothes here and there, transfer the blouses to another drawer…separate tees from collared shirts and sort them out according to the number of times we use them. Forever did not take me; with that for after a few minutes, I found myself applying powder on my face. Of course, I already took a not-so-long-morning-bath-just-enough-to-ease-the-summer-heat-on-my-skin and wore the normal clothes I wear. My olive floral flat shoes were already dry from my hand-wash last Saturday. I slid down my feet unto their smooth soles, then, I am ready to go. I was the last person to leave the house and it never came to me that I, too, was the first person to go back to it today.
Silent thudding of steps into the warm ground, bulky shoulder bag gliding with the wind, medium-sized hair swaying across the face and a sweet smile from a comely lady assures that today is the day that the Almighty has made. I whispered a short prayer in front of our Sto. Nino before I finally left the house. Riding the tricycle on the way to the bus stop has always been that soothing. Positive thoughts won my mind. A father and a child driving the motor and earning for a living? Wow! I had flashback of our early childhood days. Papa used to be a tricycle driver, too, when we were young. With his permission, me and my sister go with him and be his barkers. At the end of the day, it wouldn’t be complete if we haven’t bought our favorite foods. I could have cried there because of that. And here goes reality, again…we passed on to my Alma Mater, Binmaley Catholic School. Unbelievable as it is, but I couldn’t contain my emotions. (I really am being so emotional for the past few months.) Since we graduated on the four corners of this prestigious school, I started walking through another page of my life.
We reached the bus stop along the town proper. It made me jump a little to proceed there because the barkers already knew my name. There is no day when they didn’t call me ‘Samantha’ and the people had to look my way with a question on their faces. Well, if it’s not for the local beauty pageant I joined when I was sixteen, I wouldn’t be that known about. It’s somewhat complimenting, though, to have them memorized you, instead, even if you’re not the title-holder.
I took the two-person seat and it’s a little too hot up there. It’s 10:16AM on my smartphone’s digital clock so I presumed that I will arrive in Dagupan at 10:36AM because there were no traffics that time, except for what’s causing a road delay because of a road reconstruction. Usually, when I was still a student, I count it a 30-40mins drive from Binmaley to Dagupan. The adrenaline rush oozed my system when we arrived to our university. Eventually, my calculation was almost exact. At 10:38AM, I was walking down the hallways of our university.
The next two hours I spent there talking with our college secretary and a few of my friends. After that, I was alone. Some of my acquaintances caught me daydreaming. I wasn’t ashamed, yet, until a professor passed in front of me for the fourth time. Man, was I much lone? I need to find myself. To kill the boredom, I switched on my pocket router and brought out my smartphone. It’s a good day for a sound-tripping, ain’t it?
That was when a text-message broke everything. My knight in shining armor came rushing towards me. Good, oh, good, how I missed him! The other details, I will not write here. It’s better if you don’t understand, LOL. Seriously, we ate our lunch together and talked about us. The conflicts we have, we tried to solve them little by little. Even if I was moody, recently, we are trying our might to deal with each other because love has already found us so it will also never leave us. Have you had a question to yourself before: Why are we destined by God together? All right. It doesn’t matter if you believe in destiny or not. For me, I believe in God and I strongly uphold that the greatest reason why we’re together now is because of HIM.
My love, if you are reading this now, I want to you to hear this words from me:
To be honest with you, I did not choose you. God chose you for me. Sorry for the times that I almost gave up. For the times that I failed to understand you or for the times that I intended to, thank you for your patience. My love, thank you for the coke and the fries you bought for us even if that’s the only penny left inside your pocket. For the times that you fearlessly spend the last money left for me, I don’t know how I am going to repay you. Your sacrifices are selfless, my love! And I am so sorry if I ignored you too many times today because I want you to go my own way.
Sorry, my love, if I was silent the whole time. If I tried to go home already because you, too, were silent.
Sorry, my love, if I suddenly released your hands when people made fun of our holding of hands.
Sorry, my love, if I was holding back when we were walking.
Sorry, my love, if I hadn’t noticed your starving.
Sorry, my love, if I ignored you while you were offering the coke and fries you bought for us. For it’s the only penny left inside your pocket, sorry. Sorry, because I was too blind to see your efforts and sacrifices for me. You were dizzy that time after your check-up and vaccine. I was too numb to feel that you, too, were hurt and troubled of your own problems. Sorry, my love, if I am too impatient and irritable towards you. We are both facing personal crisis, I know. And we must help one another, just as how we did it before.
Sorry, if I did go on my own and rode the bus on the way home without looking past behind me to say “Goodbye” and “Thank you. Take care, my love.”
Sorry, if I did not text you when I got home.
My love, above all, sorry, because at this moment I realized, I haven’t asked how you’re feeling after your check-up. I was self-centered that I want to spend the rest of the afternoon with you while you’re almost collapsing due to dizziness and drowsiness. Despite all of these, you are here to keep up with me. I don’t know why and I don’t think I deserve everything from you. Truly, you are the person sent by God to change me. I don’t know of a person who can do all of these, except my family. But there was you. I hope you’re home now, my love. Please have your rest. We might be facing a lot of difficulties, but let us stay strong. I love you do much now and MORE than forever. And when times get tough between us, let us just listen to the song that built us and nurtured the love we started…
“When I look into your eyes, it’s like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise. Well, there’s so much they hold. And just like them old stars, I see that you’ve come so far to be right where you are. How old is your soul? Well, I won’t give up on us even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up. And when you’re needing your space to do some navigating, I”ll be here patiently waiting to see what you find. ‘Cause even the stars they burn and some even fall to the earth. We’ve got a lot to learn. God knows we’re worth it. No, I won’t give up. I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily, I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake. And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend for us to work, we didn’t break we didn’t burn. We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in. I had to learn what I’ve got and what I’m not and who I am….” (I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz)
Now, also in an instant, it’s amazing how God quickly reconciles two persons who misunderstood each other. I received a text-message from him. LORD, please bless our relationship. He’s my greatest treasure. Take care of him. With this, I am concluding my blog. Thanks for spending some time with it!
by: Samantha C. De Guzman