That soul taught me…to solve my own Math problem by using a scientific calculator or Google, as the case may be.
Debates happen every single day.
Tonight, though, there were no debates. My thoughts agreed, profusely, with my eagerness to write. Finally.
Minutes ago, I had been to a familiar world of papers turning reality into a cornucopia of bliss and magic. As a matter of fact, and for a single split of second, I decided this place should be real. The fiction slapped me, slowly, but powerfully…indeed, that’s the point of fiction. It makes you fall in love until cold water, gently, pours down on you saying, “It’s time to wake up, dreamer. This is a work of fiction.” In short, I came back to reading the old, overused romance novels I had in high school.
The idea of spending few minutes to read them in between my breaks from the “bloody review” doesn’t matter to me, anymore. Numbness is not the word. Passion, in the middle of the war zone, is what I aim for.
I guess, every human soul yearns for love. Not admiration. The human soul thirsts for the deep, blue water, instead of a make-believe pool of affirmation.
So the thought of another human soul knocking on my door made me lose my balance. I guarded myself too well that I didn’t notice I was caught off guard. That soul taught me: to laugh amidst few broken lines from a song, to keep my ears open for words I wouldn’t expect to hear, to simplify things for better understanding, to ask questions with no answer, to solve my own Math problem by using a scientific calculator or Google, as the case may be, and to hope for victory even if I have, only, 1% chance of winning.
From that moment on, I saw things from a different perspective. I was dancing through every page of my life, when I should be walking or running. It happened so fast and only when I realized this soul could do more that I lost him.
I discovered: that soul doesn’t believe in love. That soul, I believe, was hurt by love. That soul doesn’t want love, when in fact mine is beginning to fall like ashes on the ground
“Eazy-ly”, I understood things with him, but it’s harder to make him understand that love exists. It’s ironic. And painful.
Painful because that beautiful, broken soul had chosen to close himself in a cocoon from the remnants of this cruel world. It’s heartbreaking that you wanted to unleash his beauty but he just wouldn’t leave his place because he’s not, yet, ready. That soul was, surely, broken, and he needed to heal himself. Until when?
If only his soul would allow mine to heal with him. Ah!
Despite this poverty of spirit, my longing soul remains faithful that one day, maybe, that other soul will see life in a more colorful perspective. Maybe he will see it the way he made me see a deeper blue color of the ocean from afar. Or maybe he will heal and feel the same way I feel.
Fiction might have awakened the magma inside my volcano of thoughts, but I was thankful, at least, because this time I was not debating with myself. Slowly and beautifully, the molten magma flowed and created this post. Ironically and instantly, the rain poured so hard…waking me up and saying, “This is not fiction. Continue living, fighter.” What a wonderful story it has been!
Is “GOD”, “human” or “Satan” in control of everything in this world? Let me share you this slippery-slope-kind-of-questioning-we-encountered today.
Along our usual afternoon track, we stopped at a nearby bench at the beachfront to quench our thirst and eat quail’s eggs. Suddenly, two young adults holding familiar pamphlets approached us (Of course, this idea of Christian Protestants is no longer new to my sister and I because some of our acquaintances do the same kind of mission).
“Do you mind if we get a short hold of your time?” The young man asked. A young woman was beside him, smiling, sweetly.
I was thinking of a tactful way to answer them “NO” so as not to offend them. As a speaker, I can feel the same pang of hurt when rejected.
“No, of course, not.” My sister, always, hospitable, answered.
NO! I didn’t even have the chance to say that. Truth be told, I don’t want to immerse myself, again, with vague interpretations of Bible verses. I’ve had enough. That’s why I committed myself to carefully picking the right references to deepen my faith while holding on to what is true. Our charismatic community speaker advised us to refrain those kinds of short conversations, if possible, because they detract us from the true faith – the Catholic faith. These kind of evangelization can’t attain its purpose because interpreting the Bible by portion, just like any other law, is not right. The Bible must be interpreted as a whole. However, our archbishop said it’s okay to entertain them if we are strong enough to make wise comparisons in order for us to stay faithful to our Catholic faith. Yet, since my sister already acceded, then, I had no other choice than to be polite and welcoming, too.
“Well, you can. We will not mind.” Then, I smiled.
“There’s this question I want you to think about and answer: WHO IS IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD?” He handed me a pamphlet while he asked this question.
It took me a long pause because I was trying to collate everything I’ve learned in my every day Bible-reading, Church teaching, prayer meetings, and conversation over the dinner table regarding God’s provision no matter how imperfect the world is. On the array of choices, only “GOD”, “human”, and “etc.” were included. Satan wasn’t included. So, I trimmed down my number of choices into those provided.
“Uh…I think, both God and human. Because…ah, sorry. I was supposed to answer a single question.”
“No, you can. You can explain why you chose those.”
“I answered them because I believe God created everything – the heavens and the earth so He is in control. However, part of what God provided humans was free will – to choose what is right or wrong.”
“That’s right. Free will. You can find that in the Bible. But can you reconsider this: If God is in control, then, why are there crises, crimes, imperfection in this world? Maybe, it is not God. It’s…”
Satan. This thought lingered my mind due to the slippery slope I was put onto. And because somehow, Satan is the father of all lies, I partly and temporarily believed.
“Right! I thought of that, too. Because it was also said, ‘To be friends with the world is to be God’s enemy (James 4:4).’ If we look closely to this kind of argument, we can see loopholes:
First, if Satan is in control of the entire world, then, we are succumbing to the final conclusion that we cannot do anything anymore. “Control” connotes “power”. According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, control is to have power over. Hence, are we saying that we are slaves over Satan’s power?
Remember Job. God “allowed” Satan to test him (Job 1:12). It was said, “God allowed…” That meant, it was, still, God who took control over the testing of Job. Not the devil himself because the devil hadn’t and will never overpower God (Luke 4:5-8).
Second, the increasing evil attacks in the world even bolster God’s unending power. Why? Satan had to maximize all his efforts, work restlessly all day and night only to deceive both the faithful and the unfaithful – his ultimate job. When God’s voice and power become stronger, that’s when he deafens the world with his tempting and empty promises. When he does this, that means, God’s power is, really working (Job 9:4).
Third, this evangelizer’s reference, “We all know that we belong to God, while the whole world lies in evil (1 John 5:19)” could be right, but it doesn’t coincide with the question they posed.
According to Christian Community Bible Commentaries on 1 John 5: 19 (THE WHOLE WORLD LIES IN EVIL), First Edition by Claretian Publications, “As has already been mentioned, this world belongs to God who made it good. Nevertheless, this world is not simply a building site wherein we work. It is first the place where the evil one competes with God. The evil side does not side with any group, atheist or materialist or whatever else, but everywhere transforms the best things into destroying idols – even among those looking for a more perfect life life: keep yourself from idols (v. 21).” Hence, the devil, always, competes with God. He is the source of all that envy and jealousy, putting into human’s mind the urgency to win out of vain. Let us all remember that Satan wanted more than what God gave him. He wanted to be like God (Isaiah 14: 12-15).
Lastly, upon Jesus’ resurrection, it does not only mean “to return to life” but to begin a new and transformed life (Christian Community Bible Commentaries on John 5:19 and John 6:60). To say that Satan, is, still, in control of the world, makes it pointless Jesus’ passion, death, and RESURRECTION. When he was raised from the dead, he has proven that sin and even death had no power over him. Hence, we, as members of Christ’s body, can conquer anything with him – even the stings of sin and the horrors of death. There is nothing that we cannot do because our hope, Jesus Christ, is alive! He is alive! Death as a consequence of sin had no authority over him because he himself was not subject to sin. Satan, then, is now overpowered by Jesus, our only hope.
“Thanks for your time, Samantha and Ming,” said the young man who also happened to be a government employee. The young woman, again, smiled.
“No problem.” Then, we vanished.
As we rode our way home, I kept thinking about this incident. Since I’ve already undergone few confusions in the past regarding false ideas, I prayed before for God’s discernment and wisdom to know what is true or false not only through Bible verses, but through God’s communication in a language that we know and through the circumstances that surround His people. After all, God does not only communicate with us through Bible verses. He does it in human experiences. Furthermore, it is not apt to base our interpretation from verses of the Bible. It must be interpreted according to passages. You can download this Bible guide for the year 2017 – it was made by Bible scholars all throughout the world through thorough research and study of what transgresses time. It can be seen that our Bible readings are uniform; the 1st reading, 2nd reading and Gospel in Philippines are the same in all countries because the Catholic Church is ONE, holy, and catholic. Plus, the passages were well-chosen and they correlate with each other.
To conclude this post, I just want to make it clear that I am not against any religion or sect. I am just striving to protect the one true faith. 🙂
Thank you for stopping by! I’ve got more to share to you.
Avid readers, I really don’t know how I am going to address you or myself for having been gone like more than five months, I supposed. Or should I ask for pardon to you because it seemed like I lost track of my ego that I forgot to write and update you? If it’s not for Ate Sachi (You will know her in a little while on my next posts, but please leave this space to me, for now.), I wouldn’t even bother to write for fear of expressing claptraps. Anyway, I suddenly remembered that we must write to express, not to inflate someone else’ ego.
On the first two weeks of March 2014, my college days were like autumn leaves that go headlong the summer trail. It’s not because of school stuffs for I really didn’t give much to my academic honors or so. If it’s meant to be, then, be it! It was, however, because of a ceaseless train that never even bothered to leave me…or us. This may sound a repetitive blunts for most girls, but I thought that I was having the worst epoch of our relationship. I kept on saying that “I must blog, I should blog, I need to blog…” to save myself from the instant blackout. Only writing makes me unfold the enormous and apocalyptic feelings in this world. Then, again, even writing hadn’t saved me so I fell apart.
The paranoia inside kept on haunting me until it came to a point that I feared almost everything or even everyone! Anxiety Disorder, is this how they call that? I don’t know or I don’t want to know. Psychology is an interesting field of study, yet, sometimes it builds prejudices…prejudices that would ruin all that you got.
Days and weeks passed, I tried to control myself. My family has always been this loving and supportive to me. Conversations with friends were lessened because of the approaching summer vacation and my college friends were too busy making some arrangements for graduation. While I, I was a bit confused. No, I was deeply confused.
April 2014. GOD did not leave me broken. For almost two months, I got used to going out of our house – be it in our neighborhood with my cousins, to our university, to my sweet escape, etc. I see to it that I was never alone in any place or in any time. At first I thought that just makes my situation worse. But now, I am living with it. This is a lifestyle interchange. Live it or leave it! The same month, we had our graduation. The evident bliss came into the family when I got tons of awards and distinction at my Alma Mater. It’s even more euphoric because I discovered that I became an inspiring icon to some of the students in different departments. I was told that they could even write my biography, for laughing out loud! (Man, they’re cum laude graduates, if I forgot to mention that!) Be that as it may, I continued to fight what’s bugging me inside. Prayer is the most powerful tool!
May 2014. To give you the highlights of this month, more confusions came to me, but blessings and achievements moved nearer. Papa celebrated his birthday on the second day of the month; we feasted for our month of love the day before. on the fourth day, we had our family outing and the remaining days, I surpassed the challenges of life. May 15-18, I had the best days of my life, for being a delegate of the 10th Parliament of Youth Leaders (National Youth Parliament) in MNL. The idea of being a parliamentarian, still, is a mystery to me. We were carefully deliberated over 800 applicants, nationwie, only 200 reigned supreme. My co-parliamentarians? They inspired me to be bolder in words and actions; that is, to be a “real” advocate of the youth. Their IQ level was an amazement to me for they also knew how to fight for what is right or what’s even more right? If only all youths were like them, all impediments will be eradicated. But, of course, nobody is perfect! With that, long live 10th NYP! I hope I can extend my gratitude by endorsing our resolutions to my own municipality with the other youths that I will choose, too! And oh, yes. It is still May today for it marks the 31st and it’s the birthday of my college buddy, Angelica Joy! Tomorrow, also, is a BIG day for me and my love. Ha-Ha. Thanks, WordPress, it came into me.
You know I have been writing for minutes and I haven’t eaten my lunch, yet, but I want to take this time to thank you for your consideration. The next few days, I will be busier and it makes me sad because the summer vacation’s about to end and the pages of this blog are half-full only. For the good sake of sharing, I am glad to say that I will be a college instructor on June and a law student, too, in two different universities! How’s that? Thank You, Good LORD! For the meantime, I am preparing myself for the qualifying exam that I missed last May 17 because of the 10th NYP and I also had to thank the university’s College of Law dean for his utmost consideration. Dr. Carmelo John E. Vidal, also, owe a lot from me! From YMCA regional competition to 10th National Youth Parliament, they supported in any way that they can. Thanks, University of Luzon Center for Integrated Services! Our tarpaulin beside the school facade made me lost my spare umbrella when I was about to go down the bus with my sister, ha! ‘Too excited, wasn’t I?
2:09PM. I am about to conclude this blog post. No promises, yet. I will start with another one after I post this. Please do understand the dry crust of this post. Why? The writer inside-out will come out like a titaniuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum! X-Men: Days of Future Past, you rooooooooooock! Let me take this remaining space to thank my love, for arguing with me whether it’s Maleficient or X-Men, yesterday. The latter won!
(P.S. I am hoping to write a movie review, soon, if the chances or my mood permits me to. Thank you! I’ll see you all in a minute. Mabuhay! 🙂
by: Samantha C. De Guzman
Holiness is not a mask. It does not cover up your flaws or sins; we’re all sinners. Holy work or service to the LORD is just one way of praising Him and returning all His goodness back to HIM. When we sin, we offer sacrifices. And we all have our own ways to renew our faith. When you question the clergy, you question man’s free will. Being good is mandatory; being holy is a choice
by: Samantha C. De Guzman
MASOCHISM. I am seeing her pictures…convincing myself that she is really beautiful even if she is not. I am staring at her pictures with his eyes and I saw what a real beauty is and that, indeed, she is a beautiful woman. I am internally bleeding.
by: Samantha C. De Guzman
“I have a lot of predicaments but I decided to remain silent. If this was the result of my my previous acts, then I was bidden no choice. What hurts most is being tormented by the “past lies” therefore, haunting the present.”- Samantha C. De Guzman
In a smoldering atmosphere, realizations appear to me, freely, like the sun shining so brightly and clearly today. I am riding on a bus and I am on my way home. As usual, I am all alone. For what reasons, I do not know.
It is so stupefying why this day is different from the ordinary days. No text messages, no missed calls, or no cortege is with me. I wonder what kind of day this is because I seem to get a load of nobody’s presence.
Soon as I opened our front door, still, no one is at home. And I must not include this part because I know that everybody is out on weekdays. The pocket on my bag is quite unzipped because of my looped checking – still, no missed calls, no text messages…and obviously, no cortege is with me.
Jeez. Why in the world? Okay, I have to do something about that. For now, I have to think of myself. It’s past lunch and I haven’t eaten my lunch, yet. My green tumbler is proudly standing on our dining table…all right, I missed her, that’s it. After two refills of water on my tumbler, I am freed! Dehydration? Solved!
Even our house is quiet and I love it! But this idea of no-one-is-around-and-no-one-will-be-around disturbs me as to how no-one-cares-for-you-because-no-one-is-texting-you, does. Maybe I am used to being left alone most of the time but I cannot capitulate to the fact that no one thinks of me.
Now, the main course is prepared – beef stew and rice meal for lunch. The stillness of the moment captures my agitation. Suddenly, I think of Cassie’s Is It You and the song keeps playing on my head. “And I’m looking for someone who takes me there, wants to share, shows he cares…”
I am already full and I washed the dishes. What to do on a Monday afternoon? Study, perhaps. I have three exams left for tomorrow, anyway. Now I am typing, and I am wanting to munch on those strawberry biscuits I prepared while I do my work – that is, to study and blog this. Later, I bet. Later…
On the first two paragraphs, two persons texted me. Only RV Robert and Sherwin seemed to receive my signal, indirectly, and how they did that was a mystery to me. Maybe I am just paranoid today because of the coincidence occurring. Thanks to the both them, I really appreciate it.
Let me go straight to the point. My purpose of writing this is to unveil my wretchedness. Have you ever encountered this? No missed calls, no text messages or no cortege is a flop! In short, I am all alone. =(
by: Samantha C. De Guzman
I asked my male cousin, “How do you mend a broken heart?” Geez! He didn’t seem to be surprised at all. Needless to say, I know the answer, yes. But I am confused.
For two days, I have been trying to compose myself…to clear my mind and to conjure up my thoughts. There were a lot of topics to blog. In fact, I prepared more than 3 outlines and photographs were all ready. Every night, I do check my notifications here on WordPress. Blessed as it is, I am lucky. Thank you for the continuous likes, guys!
But those nights, too, my mind was soaked. Different ideas and doubts were ironically flying through my head. I had a lot to compromise and I was so excited to share happenings in my life, but I couldn’t find the courage to do them, quickly.
This quote I wrote before, “A writer does not write everyday, neither nor he writes every other day; a writer writes on a day beyond his control.” is living my principle. How can I write while my mind has been tied up in knots? Maybe I can, if I try too hard, but eventually, I will be killing myself for that. I need rest, so does sleep. For that, excuse me, Ma’am, for being absent in WordPress class.
“That’s a pretty tough question, cousin. You just have to give yourself a break. I know it’s hard because you lose your attention to what you are doing. And worst, people around you don’t notice it because you are a good clown.“ Alfred, an experienced lover boy, said it, quickly.
Bingo! He is surely my cousin. “Exactly, cousin. This is hard, though. I can’t focus. Spending my leisure time thinking about it hurts me more.”
As a writer, experience is your friend. Without it, you can’t make your work appealing. Fiction writers, too, got a big house of experience, plus their wide imagination. My point here is, when you write, you write by heart because your mind will follow, accordingly. When you are out of words, do not call Mr. Webster, immediately. Pause. Meditate. Ask for His guidance and the Holy Spirit will usher through your thoughts, like a dawn’s flower blooming in mild dew.
Less often than not, when I get too depressed, I simply write my heart out. This way, I am expressing the feelings I hid a few minutes ago. The other way, I am still attuned to my endless sob while I am writing.
“Distract yourself. Do the things that make you happy,” Alfred suggested in a cool tone.
I remembered what I did the whole day: In the morning, I woke up with the sun smiling at me. The look in my eye is cheerless. “…Lord, thank you for this day. Guide and bless me and my family forever.” After casting a prayer, I didn’t get out my bed, yet. Instead, I think about the whole thing, again and again…
Lunch wasn’t that hard for me. For a few hours, my attempt to go out of the melancholy, succeeded. I hope that lasts until tomorrow…or until more days passed.
Oh, sorry. I have to end the post here…right here. Evening’s fine, though. Goodnight!
by: Samantha C. De Guzman
To be honest with you, this is the last night of our 2-year contract from our Internet service provider. Obviously, I have to make the most out of this ample connection before tomorrow comes out and knocks me off my feet. I have been blogging for over 2 years, too, since we had an Internet connection when I stepped up into college.
I am a certified Internet geek! Every now and then, I check sites that help me inoculate questions on my mind. I sleep late at night and wake up early to use up the thing that keeps me alive…and that is, the Cyber World.
The thing is, when I say “the thing that keeps me alive…” I mean the one that keeps me connected throughout the world. Social Media upgrades and so my passion for writing (via blogs) fastens up, too!
I have signed up and written to numerous blogs before and in fact, I still have them now. My friends or even a few of my consistent readers, were amused to know them because I got to spend my little spare time to do such. I am a college student, taking up Bachelor of Arts, majoring in Political Science.
In my first year, I am looking for my way to do my write-ups and publish them online. By that time, every week in school consumes most of my time, though. Exams, quizzes, projects, practicums and among others are binding every step I make to my schooldays. But still, I am not having a hard time. I get along to being a college student while I also accomplish to being a teenage techie gal.
The same year, I started making my first blog, ever. It was our group blog, actually, and I was the administrator. The captions, the photos, the articles were all made by me. I tried sharing my blog posts on social networking sites and fortunately, I won two to three readers/viewers. Elsewhere, I had more than 5 blog accounts online. Some are for micro-blogging so I have to stay awake, again, all night, even though my classes are as early as 7AM. I still remember it when I slept past 12AM until 3AM, just surfing the Internet and my eyes were burning already. Headaches come and go.
Second year. This is when I became more active to micro-blogging, leaving past my first blog account. I am steering slowly to open my laptop and publish what is happening. I have to say that this is the busiest and time-consuming school year in my college life (and I know that more is about to come). Let me count weekends. I couldn’t even finish up all of the requirements for only two days, with all that urgent deadlines.
However, it came to a point where I missed sharing my life with others. All my thoughts were coming into view and I did not want to let go of them as time passes by. What I meant was, I wanted memories to last a lifetime! It was only a few months ago that I made this blog account on WordPress and I seemed to be enticed to write, again, like a writer with a new pen. The difference between this blog from my first owned one is that, this is personal. I don’t have to worry posting outnumbered articles or photos of mine, not bothered by group things; I write what I like and I post who I am.
Now, I am an incoming Third Year student, already, and I believe that this is a whole different thing from the past years. Why? Because I ought to contend with my major subjects, for the first time! If last school year was already a catching fire to me, not to mention, those were “only” minor subjects, how much more about these major ones? I am not going to kill myself, eh?
A promise is a promise. A devotion is a devotion. Passion is passion.
Still, despite these circumstances to my busy life, I do blog. And I am going to continue doing it until the world stops from spinning (No, please don’t. Ha-Ha). The key is TIME MANAGEMENT. No matter how busy you may seem, find ways to do ten things at one time, if possible. Practically speaking, do not indulge yourself to do only one thing when you can do two.
In my case, they keep on questioning me how in the world I wrote all of these when I am supposed to pass a research paper. The irony of me, I am even feeling relieved when I finish a long blog, than having been tied up to my already finished paperwork. I spend the whole time sitting and waiting for my thoughts to usher continuously so I can type it, all the while, without minding my quizzes for the following day…the thoughts that would, someday, change the world!
Tomorrow, the inter-connective waves from the worldwide web will be gone in an instant. This is also the reason why I wrote this post. I am not saying that I am going to stop blogging because our Internet connection will be gone. No, that will not stay for too long. We have already called a new Internet service provider and if God permits that the surveyors would approve our location (they need to check whether our house is close to the other subscribers for the cable wire), I will be bounded to write for you, dear readers, again. Cross-fingers for that!
I will not stop from blogging. Blogging makes me whole. This is the truth behind my life, as a blogger. I am a blogger by heart…a certified Internet geek!
It’s almost 12AM. For this, I am happy. Goodnight to me, good day to you!
by: Samantha C. De Guzman