That soul taught me…to solve my own Math problem by using a scientific calculator or Google, as the case may be.
Debates happen every single day.
Tonight, though, there were no debates. My thoughts agreed, profusely, with my eagerness to write. Finally.
Minutes ago, I had been to a familiar world of papers turning reality into a cornucopia of bliss and magic. As a matter of fact, and for a single split of second, I decided this place should be real. The fiction slapped me, slowly, but powerfully…indeed, that’s the point of fiction. It makes you fall in love until cold water, gently, pours down on you saying, “It’s time to wake up, dreamer. This is a work of fiction.” In short, I came back to reading the old, overused romance novels I had in high school.
The idea of spending few minutes to read them in between my breaks from the “bloody review” doesn’t matter to me, anymore. Numbness is not the word. Passion, in the middle of the war zone area, is what I aim for.
I guess, every human soul yearns for love. Not admiration. The human soul thirsts for the deep, blue water, instead of a make-believe pool of affirmation.
So the thought of another human soul knocking on my door made me lose my balance. I guarded myself too well that I didn’t notice I was caught off guard. That soul taught me: to laugh amidst few broken lines from a song, to keep my ears open for words I wouldn’t expect to hear, to simplify things for better understanding, to ask questions with no answer, to solve my own Math problem by using a scientific calculator or Google, as the case may be, and to hope for victory even if I have, only, 1% chance of winning.
From that moment on, I saw things from a different perspective. I was dancing through every page of my life, when I should be walking or running. It happened so fast and only when I realized this soul could do more that I lost him.
I discovered: that soul doesn’t believe in love. That soul, I believe, was hurt by love. That soul doesn’t want love, when in fact mine is beginning to fall like ashes on the ground
“Eazy-ly”, I understood things with him, but it’s harder to make him understand that love exists. It’s ironic. And painful.
Painful because that beautiful, broken soul had chosen to close himself in a cocoon from the remnants of this cruel world. It’s heartbreaking that you wanted to unleash his beauty but he just wouldn’t leave his place because he’s not, yet, ready. That soul was, surely, broken, and he needed to heal himself. Until when?
If only his soul would allow mine to heal with him. Ah!
Despite this poverty of spirit, my longing soul remains faithful that one day, maybe, that other soul will see life in a more colorful perspective. Maybe he will see it the way he made me see a deeper blue color of the ocean from afar. Or maybe he will heal and feel the same way I feel.
Fiction might have awakened the magma inside my volcano of thoughts, but I was thankful, at least, because this time I was not debating with myself. Slowly and beautifully, the molten magma flowed and created this post. Ironically and instantly, the rain poured so hard…waking me up and saying, “This is not fiction. Continue living, fighter.” What a wonderful story it has been!
Is “GOD”, “human” or “Satan” in control of everything in this world? Let me share you this slippery-slope-kind-of-questioning-we-encountered today.
Along our usual afternoon track, we stopped at a nearby bench at the beachfront to quench our thirst and eat quail’s eggs. Suddenly, two young adults holding familiar pamphlets approached us (Of course, this idea of Christian Protestants is no longer new to my sister and I because some of our acquaintances do the same kind of mission).
“Do you mind if we get a short hold of your time?” The young man asked. A young woman was beside him, smiling, sweetly.
I was thinking of a tactful way to answer them “NO” so as not to offend them. As a speaker, I can feel the same pang of hurt when rejected.
“No, of course, not.” My sister, always, hospitable, answered.
NO! I didn’t even have the chance to say that. Truth be told, I don’t want to immerse myself, again, with vague interpretations of Bible verses. I’ve had enough. That’s why I committed myself to carefully picking the right references to deepen my faith while holding on to what is true. Our charismatic community speaker advised us to refrain those kinds of short conversations, if possible, because they detract us from the true faith – the Catholic faith. These kind of evangelization can’t attain its purpose because interpreting the Bible by portion, just like any other law, is not right. The Bible must be interpreted as a whole. However, our archbishop said it’s okay to entertain them if we are strong enough to make wise comparisons in order for us to stay faithful to our Catholic faith. Yet, since my sister already acceded, then, I had no other choice than to be polite and welcoming, too.
“Well, you can. We will not mind.” Then, I smiled.
“There’s this question I want you to think about and answer: WHO IS IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD?” He handed me a pamphlet while he asked this question.
It took me a long pause because I was trying to collate everything I’ve learned in my every day Bible-reading, Church teaching, prayer meetings, and conversation over the dinner table regarding God’s provision no matter how imperfect the world is. On the array of choices, only “GOD”, “human”, and “etc.” were included. Satan wasn’t included. So, I trimmed down my number of choices into those provided.
“Uh…I think, both God and human. Because…ah, sorry. I was supposed to answer a single question.”
“No, you can. You can explain why you chose those.”
“I answered them because I believe God created everything – the heavens and the earth so He is in control. However, part of what God provided humans was free will – to choose what is right or wrong.”
“That’s right. Free will. You can find that in the Bible. But can you reconsider this: If God is in control, then, why are there crises, crimes, imperfection in this world? Maybe, it is not God. It’s…”
Satan. This thought lingered my mind due to the slippery slope I was put onto. And because somehow, Satan is the father of all lies, I partly and temporarily believed.
“Right! I thought of that, too. Because it was also said, ‘To be friends with the world is to be God’s enemy (James 4:4).’ If we look closely to this kind of argument, we can see loopholes:
First, if Satan is in control of the entire world, then, we are succumbing to the final conclusion that we cannot do anything anymore. “Control” connotes “power”. According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, control is to have power over. Hence, are we saying that we are slaves over Satan’s power?
Remember Job. God “allowed” Satan to test him (Job 1:12). It was said, “God allowed…” That meant, it was, still, God who took control over the testing of Job. Not the devil himself because the devil hadn’t and will never overpower God (Luke 4:5-8).
Second, the increasing evil attacks in the world even bolster God’s unending power. Why? Satan had to maximize all his efforts, work restlessly all day and night only to deceive both the faithful and the unfaithful – his ultimate job. When God’s voice and power become stronger, that’s when he deafens the world with his tempting and empty promises. When he does this, that means, God’s power is, really working (Job 9:4).
Third, this evangelizer’s reference, “We all know that we belong to God, while the whole world lies in evil (1 John 5:19)” could be right, but it doesn’t coincide with the question they posed.
According to Christian Community Bible Commentaries on 1 John 5: 19 (THE WHOLE WORLD LIES IN EVIL), First Edition by Claretian Publications, “As has already been mentioned, this world belongs to God who made it good. Nevertheless, this world is not simply a building site wherein we work. It is first the place where the evil one competes with God. The evil side does not side with any group, atheist or materialist or whatever else, but everywhere transforms the best things into destroying idols – even among those looking for a more perfect life life: keep yourself from idols (v. 21).” Hence, the devil, always, competes with God. He is the source of all that envy and jealousy, putting into human’s mind the urgency to win out of vain. Let us all remember that Satan wanted more than what God gave him. He wanted to be like God (Isaiah 14: 12-15).
Lastly, upon Jesus’ resurrection, it does not only mean “to return to life” but to begin a new and transformed life (Christian Community Bible Commentaries on John 5:19 and John 6:60). To say that Satan, is, still, in control of the world, makes it pointless Jesus’ passion, death, and RESURRECTION. When he was raised from the dead, he has proven that sin and even death had no power over him. Hence, we, as members of Christ’s body, can conquer anything with him – even the stings of sin and the horrors of death. There is nothing that we cannot do because our hope, Jesus Christ, is alive! He is alive! Death as a consequence of sin had no authority over him because he himself was not subject to sin. Satan, then, is now overpowered by Jesus, our only hope.
“Thanks for your time, Samantha and Ming,” said the young man who also happened to be a government employee. The young woman, again, smiled.
“No problem.” Then, we vanished.
As we rode our way home, I kept thinking about this incident. Since I’ve already undergone few confusions in the past regarding false ideas, I prayed before for God’s discernment and wisdom to know what is true or false not only through Bible verses, but through God’s communication in a language that we know and through the circumstances that surround His people. After all, God does not only communicate with us through Bible verses. He does it in human experiences. Furthermore, it is not apt to base our interpretation from verses of the Bible. It must be interpreted according to passages. You can download this Bible guide for the year 2017 – it was made by Bible scholars all throughout the world through thorough research and study of what transgresses time. It can be seen that our Bible readings are uniform; the 1st reading, 2nd reading and Gospel in Philippines are the same in all countries because the Catholic Church is ONE, holy, and catholic. Plus, the passages were well-chosen and they correlate with each other.
To conclude this post, I just want to make it clear that I am not against any religion or sect. I am just striving to protect the one true faith. 🙂
Thank you for stopping by! I’ve got more to share to you.
It is excruciating how a single moment is metamorphosed in a blink of an eye. A few hours from now, wonderful thoughts lingered my disturbed mind. If it was to surround myself with eternity, I hurriedly rose up from where I took a morning nap. A norm it would be to have a hunch of goose bumps whenever I leave this sweet place…our home.
Instead of taking the usual routines in the morning, I ate my late breakfast and washed the dishes. Mom was expecting us to re-organize our closet so I did my job for her. Fold the clothes here and there, transfer the blouses to another drawer…separate tees from collared shirts and sort them out according to the number of times we use them. Forever did not take me; with that for after a few minutes, I found myself applying powder on my face. Of course, I already took a not-so-long-morning-bath-just-enough-to-ease-the-summer-heat-on-my-skin and wore the normal clothes I wear. My olive floral flat shoes were already dry from my hand-wash last Saturday. I slid down my feet unto their smooth soles, then, I am ready to go. I was the last person to leave the house and it never came to me that I, too, was the first person to go back to it today.
Silent thudding of steps into the warm ground, bulky shoulder bag gliding with the wind, medium-sized hair swaying across the face and a sweet smile from a comely lady assures that today is the day that the Almighty has made. I whispered a short prayer in front of our Sto. Nino before I finally left the house. Riding the tricycle on the way to the bus stop has always been that soothing. Positive thoughts won my mind. A father and a child driving the motor and earning for a living? Wow! I had flashback of our early childhood days. Papa used to be a tricycle driver, too, when we were young. With his permission, me and my sister go with him and be his barkers. At the end of the day, it wouldn’t be complete if we haven’t bought our favorite foods. I could have cried there because of that. And here goes reality, again…we passed on to my Alma Mater, Binmaley Catholic School. Unbelievable as it is, but I couldn’t contain my emotions. (I really am being so emotional for the past few months.) Since we graduated on the four corners of this prestigious school, I started walking through another page of my life.
We reached the bus stop along the town proper. It made me jump a little to proceed there because the barkers already knew my name. There is no day when they didn’t call me ‘Samantha’ and the people had to look my way with a question on their faces. Well, if it’s not for the local beauty pageant I joined when I was sixteen, I wouldn’t be that known about. It’s somewhat complimenting, though, to have them memorized you, instead, even if you’re not the title-holder.
I took the two-person seat and it’s a little too hot up there. It’s 10:16AM on my smartphone’s digital clock so I presumed that I will arrive in Dagupan at 10:36AM because there were no traffics that time, except for what’s causing a road delay because of a road reconstruction. Usually, when I was still a student, I count it a 30-40mins drive from Binmaley to Dagupan. The adrenaline rush oozed my system when we arrived to our university. Eventually, my calculation was almost exact. At 10:38AM, I was walking down the hallways of our university.
The next two hours I spent there talking with our college secretary and a few of my friends. After that, I was alone. Some of my acquaintances caught me daydreaming. I wasn’t ashamed, yet, until a professor passed in front of me for the fourth time. Man, was I much lone? I need to find myself. To kill the boredom, I switched on my pocket router and brought out my smartphone. It’s a good day for a sound-tripping, ain’t it?
That was when a text-message broke everything. My knight in shining armor came rushing towards me. Good, oh, good, how I missed him! The other details, I will not write here. It’s better if you don’t understand, LOL. Seriously, we ate our lunch together and talked about us. The conflicts we have, we tried to solve them little by little. Even if I was moody, recently, we are trying our might to deal with each other because love has already found us so it will also never leave us. Have you had a question to yourself before: Why are we destined by God together? All right. It doesn’t matter if you believe in destiny or not. For me, I believe in God and I strongly uphold that the greatest reason why we’re together now is because of HIM.
My love, if you are reading this now, I want to you to hear this words from me:
To be honest with you, I did not choose you. God chose you for me. Sorry for the times that I almost gave up. For the times that I failed to understand you or for the times that I intended to, thank you for your patience. My love, thank you for the coke and the fries you bought for us even if that’s the only penny left inside your pocket. For the times that you fearlessly spend the last money left for me, I don’t know how I am going to repay you. Your sacrifices are selfless, my love! And I am so sorry if I ignored you too many times today because I want you to go my own way.
Sorry, my love, if I was silent the whole time. If I tried to go home already because you, too, were silent.
Sorry, my love, if I suddenly released your hands when people made fun of our holding of hands.
Sorry, my love, if I was holding back when we were walking.
Sorry, my love, if I hadn’t noticed your starving.
Sorry, my love, if I ignored you while you were offering the coke and fries you bought for us. For it’s the only penny left inside your pocket, sorry. Sorry, because I was too blind to see your efforts and sacrifices for me. You were dizzy that time after your check-up and vaccine. I was too numb to feel that you, too, were hurt and troubled of your own problems. Sorry, my love, if I am too impatient and irritable towards you. We are both facing personal crisis, I know. And we must help one another, just as how we did it before.
Sorry, if I did go on my own and rode the bus on the way home without looking past behind me to say “Goodbye” and “Thank you. Take care, my love.”
Sorry, if I did not text you when I got home.
My love, above all, sorry, because at this moment I realized, I haven’t asked how you’re feeling after your check-up. I was self-centered that I want to spend the rest of the afternoon with you while you’re almost collapsing due to dizziness and drowsiness. Despite all of these, you are here to keep up with me. I don’t know why and I don’t think I deserve everything from you. Truly, you are the person sent by God to change me. I don’t know of a person who can do all of these, except my family. But there was you. I hope you’re home now, my love. Please have your rest. We might be facing a lot of difficulties, but let us stay strong. I love you do much now and MORE than forever. And when times get tough between us, let us just listen to the song that built us and nurtured the love we started…
“When I look into your eyes, it’s like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise. Well, there’s so much they hold. And just like them old stars, I see that you’ve come so far to be right where you are. How old is your soul? Well, I won’t give up on us even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up. And when you’re needing your space to do some navigating, I”ll be here patiently waiting to see what you find. ‘Cause even the stars they burn and some even fall to the earth. We’ve got a lot to learn. God knows we’re worth it. No, I won’t give up. I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily, I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake. And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend for us to work, we didn’t break we didn’t burn. We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in. I had to learn what I’ve got and what I’m not and who I am….” (I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz)
Now, also in an instant, it’s amazing how God quickly reconciles two persons who misunderstood each other. I received a text-message from him. LORD, please bless our relationship. He’s my greatest treasure. Take care of him. With this, I am concluding my blog. Thanks for spending some time with it!
by: Samantha C. De Guzman
Avid readers, I really don’t know how I am going to address you or myself for having been gone like more than five months, I supposed. Or should I ask for pardon to you because it seemed like I lost track of my ego that I forgot to write and update you? If it’s not for Ate Sachi (You will know her in a little while on my next posts, but please leave this space to me, for now.), I wouldn’t even bother to write for fear of expressing claptraps. Anyway, I suddenly remembered that we must write to express, not to inflate someone else’ ego.
On the first two weeks of March 2014, my college days were like autumn leaves that go headlong the summer trail. It’s not because of school stuffs for I really didn’t give much to my academic honors or so. If it’s meant to be, then, be it! It was, however, because of a ceaseless train that never even bothered to leave me…or us. This may sound a repetitive blunts for most girls, but I thought that I was having the worst epoch of our relationship. I kept on saying that “I must blog, I should blog, I need to blog…” to save myself from the instant blackout. Only writing makes me unfold the enormous and apocalyptic feelings in this world. Then, again, even writing hadn’t saved me so I fell apart.
The paranoia inside kept on haunting me until it came to a point that I feared almost everything or even everyone! Anxiety Disorder, is this how they call that? I don’t know or I don’t want to know. Psychology is an interesting field of study, yet, sometimes it builds prejudices…prejudices that would ruin all that you got.
Days and weeks passed, I tried to control myself. My family has always been this loving and supportive to me. Conversations with friends were lessened because of the approaching summer vacation and my college friends were too busy making some arrangements for graduation. While I, I was a bit confused. No, I was deeply confused.
April 2014. GOD did not leave me broken. For almost two months, I got used to going out of our house – be it in our neighborhood with my cousins, to our university, to my sweet escape, etc. I see to it that I was never alone in any place or in any time. At first I thought that just makes my situation worse. But now, I am living with it. This is a lifestyle interchange. Live it or leave it! The same month, we had our graduation. The evident bliss came into the family when I got tons of awards and distinction at my Alma Mater. It’s even more euphoric because I discovered that I became an inspiring icon to some of the students in different departments. I was told that they could even write my biography, for laughing out loud! (Man, they’re cum laude graduates, if I forgot to mention that!) Be that as it may, I continued to fight what’s bugging me inside. Prayer is the most powerful tool!
May 2014. To give you the highlights of this month, more confusions came to me, but blessings and achievements moved nearer. Papa celebrated his birthday on the second day of the month; we feasted for our month of love the day before. on the fourth day, we had our family outing and the remaining days, I surpassed the challenges of life. May 15-18, I had the best days of my life, for being a delegate of the 10th Parliament of Youth Leaders (National Youth Parliament) in MNL. The idea of being a parliamentarian, still, is a mystery to me. We were carefully deliberated over 800 applicants, nationwie, only 200 reigned supreme. My co-parliamentarians? They inspired me to be bolder in words and actions; that is, to be a “real” advocate of the youth. Their IQ level was an amazement to me for they also knew how to fight for what is right or what’s even more right? If only all youths were like them, all impediments will be eradicated. But, of course, nobody is perfect! With that, long live 10th NYP! I hope I can extend my gratitude by endorsing our resolutions to my own municipality with the other youths that I will choose, too! And oh, yes. It is still May today for it marks the 31st and it’s the birthday of my college buddy, Angelica Joy! Tomorrow, also, is a BIG day for me and my love. Ha-Ha. Thanks, WordPress, it came into me.
You know I have been writing for minutes and I haven’t eaten my lunch, yet, but I want to take this time to thank you for your consideration. The next few days, I will be busier and it makes me sad because the summer vacation’s about to end and the pages of this blog are half-full only. For the good sake of sharing, I am glad to say that I will be a college instructor on June and a law student, too, in two different universities! How’s that? Thank You, Good LORD! For the meantime, I am preparing myself for the qualifying exam that I missed last May 17 because of the 10th NYP and I also had to thank the university’s College of Law dean for his utmost consideration. Dr. Carmelo John E. Vidal, also, owe a lot from me! From YMCA regional competition to 10th National Youth Parliament, they supported in any way that they can. Thanks, University of Luzon Center for Integrated Services! Our tarpaulin beside the school facade made me lost my spare umbrella when I was about to go down the bus with my sister, ha! ‘Too excited, wasn’t I?
2:09PM. I am about to conclude this blog post. No promises, yet. I will start with another one after I post this. Please do understand the dry crust of this post. Why? The writer inside-out will come out like a titaniuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum! X-Men: Days of Future Past, you rooooooooooock! Let me take this remaining space to thank my love, for arguing with me whether it’s Maleficient or X-Men, yesterday. The latter won!
(P.S. I am hoping to write a movie review, soon, if the chances or my mood permits me to. Thank you! I’ll see you all in a minute. Mabuhay! 🙂
by: Samantha C. De Guzman
Holiness is not a mask. It does not cover up your flaws or sins; we’re all sinners. Holy work or service to the LORD is just one way of praising Him and returning all His goodness back to HIM. When we sin, we offer sacrifices. And we all have our own ways to renew our faith. When you question the clergy, you question man’s free will. Being good is mandatory; being holy is a choice
by: Samantha C. De Guzman
MASOCHISM. I am seeing her pictures…convincing myself that she is really beautiful even if she is not. I am staring at her pictures with his eyes and I saw what a real beauty is and that, indeed, she is a beautiful woman. I am internally bleeding.
by: Samantha C. De Guzman